Winter Cleaning

I went through and tried to clean up some dead links I had over to the right there. Sorry 'bout that. I also added some stuff that will hopefully inspire anyone who wanders over here. Take a gander.

I never thought a kiss could be... so cold

Wanna see something incredibly Hallmark? It practically looks fake.

I became one of those people! You know, the ones who start a blog and update devotedly and then... just... stop. ;) I'm going to try and pick up the pace again b/c while I was doing it before, I enjoyed it. Kept me thinking in different ways, ways other than just graphics.

Summary of the last month and a half: The last part of last semester was brutal. I was convinced I would fail my comm design course. Fortunately everything worked out in the end and while I'm not too proud of the work that I ended up submitting, I have this semester to clean it up for my final final portfolio (EEP!). Winter break was fantastic. I slept and did nothing for 3 weeks straight. After the 3rd week I woke up one day and felt human again. Also, it was wonderful to see my friends & family.

So there. That's that. While there's been plenty of personal drama going on I never wanted this to be a 'this-is-what-I-did-today/and-then-she-said' sort of thing so that's all I'll say about what's been going on.

I've been thinking a lot about my anxiety levels. I have always had some weird ticks (crane folding, eyebrow picking) that are probably just manifestations of anxiety, but all of them have been sort of intensified lately. Last night Julia and I went to a house show down the block from my apartment. Now I've always known I don't particularly like crowds, but I think that's a rather common dislike. Especially when the crowd brings to mind visions of sardines. To be honest I don't know where I was going with this, perhaps to muse whether or not I had a true anxiety problem since I feel so uncomfortable around people anymore. It's so difficult to tell. Am I blaming my anti-social tendencies on a mental disorder because I am unwilling to admit that ... what? I was never shy when I was younger. Why am I so awkward now? Or do I hide behind awkwardness because it protects me from getting to know anyone (i.e. getting hurt)? To be honest I feel like I'm an outgoing person who dislikes being outgoing. I feel that tug of obligation ("I should be talking to someone. There's a room full of people to talk to.") but I don't want to act on it. Is that just what it's like to be shy?

Another issue raised by last night's show. Indie rock show dancing; ugh. Ok, before someone jumps on my throat with either A) you dance at shows or B) (*said in some breathy voice*) but dancing is so immediate/wonderful and I really get to *feel* the music. Please. I admit, yeah, I've been into dancing at shows, sure. But last night I stopped dancing and was just watching people do it. People have begun to dance at shows for all the wrong reasons. Now here I'm obligated to admit that yes, I am inferring people's intentions simply on the way they move. But body language is a powerful thing and we infer a great deal about most people we meet by the way they move. So, moving on. Argument Numero Uno: People are dancing for themselves. It doesn't matter what the music is anymore, they'd dance anyway. They don't move around in those ever so perfectly apathetic motions because they're really *feeling* the music. T h e y d o n ' t c a r e about the music. They're just dancing for themselves. All they care is that there's a steady beat to move to. Which makes me wonder why there even needs to be a live band. Are all these hipsters really club go-ers in different costumes? Argument Numero Dos: People are dancing for other people. When I looked around what I saw were girls grinding with other girls or their boys. And I couldn't help but thinking about bird's mating dances. Are they just dancing to attract attention? Peacock's tail feathers, a blue footed boobie's intricate dance, the hipster's bop. Dancing with someone *is* an intimate act and for sure it has been utilized in the matingimeandating process. But don't you dare go and tell me you're dancing because you're into the music.

I feel like I'm going to catch a lot of shit for those last few comments. Whatever. Rant over. Hehe, I sound so bitter. Just to clarify: I have nothing against dancing. Just A) dance because you're into the music or B) dance for whatever reason you like, just don't *pretend* that you're into the music. Be aware of why you're really dancing.

Everything is anything because of intention.