I ended up going on a hike yesterday. But I didn't get on my way until just about 4pm. Didn't think that through too well because by the time I got to PAcres (where I planned on turning around) it was well past sunset. Even though I was very familiar with the trail, my night vision is awful and I had to shuffled through the woods trying to feel where the trail was. The moon was very nearly full which I was/am thankful for. I found my way out to a road and remembered that there was a bus. I was really fortunate. I caught the last bus that night (the 5:53pm) and got home just fine. If I hadn't gotten on the bus, I would have had another slow, anxious hour of trying to feel my way home through the woods. Amazing what skills we've lost in our modern lives...

I've always hated when ppl quote song lyrics to explain the way they feel. I think it's a cop out. If you feel something intensely, you should find some creative way of expressing it yourself rather than using someone else's art. But I've been guilty of it. Plenty of times. And I'm about to be guilty of it again...

Been mixed up lately. I keep telling myself it's stress, or a chemical imbalance, or homesickness, or excuse #345, etc etc. Truth is, I'm not sure what it is. There's no obvious reason why I should feel this conflicted, this mixed up. But tonight while I was sitting on the couch, listening to music with my headphones on, Modest Mouse told me what it was:
And I claim I’m not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it’s myself.
I keep thinking over and over "I don't like Portland K" meaning that I don't like this version of myself. But that's no one's fault but my own. This period of my life, more than any other period preceding it, is up to me. It's up to me to create the life I want. The problem isn't really lack of self esteem or gumption or external pressures. It's more that I don't have a clear vision of what sort of life I want for myself. Where do I want to be? East? West? What sort of job am I willing to settle for? Is a better design job the solution? Or is any sort of commercial art job going to make me feel the same way? What will make me happier? I keep asking myself that question (esp. on the recent blue days) and I keep drawing a blank. Going after what you want is all well and good, but what if you aren't sure what you want? Should one just make a blind jump on the assumption that any change will be good?

And all the while there's this pesky voice in my head that wonders if it's all for naught. Part of me wonders if I'll ever be happy. Or this really is my disposition. And that I have to accept the fact that no matter where I am in life, I'll always have these bouts. I don't mean this in the consumerist, 'never-be-satisfied-which-what-you-have' sense. I mean it in the sense that perhaps I'm just an unhappy person. Perhaps no matter what, no matter how settled my life is, I'll never feel entirely happy. And whether this is specific to me or this is how every human feels.

Roadtrip

I would kill for the ability to take a roadtrip. I miss driving. I miss traveling. Researched car rental prices today and they're not *too* terrible. But I'm kitten sitting for the weekend so even though I (sort of) have a 3 day weekend, no travel for K.

It's a beautiful (albeit cold) day in Portland. Methinks it's a good day for a short hike in WPark. Perhaps that will satisfy my wondering blues. And I'm going to quit these rambling ways one of these days soon... But not for now.