an organism's ability to store, retain, and subsequently recall information

I absolutely hate the way my memory functions. I can remember places vividly but not people. I can remember numbers (short term) but not names.

Another designer and I were chatting and he mentioned that we had met before. "Don't you remember? We met by the chalkboard at the portfolio showing." And I can remember the room with the chalkboard, I could tell you where the chairs were facing and how many tables were in the room but I cannot, for the life of me, remember meeting this guy.

I was trying to remember my great grandmother this afternoon and the only moments that came to mind were memories of her house, not her. I can remember her sun porch. It was thickly painted with a warm soldier gray and the wooden slats sloped down toward the front. She had aluminium lawn chairs with thick foam pads. They were pea green vinyl along the sides with a pea green and blue floral pattern on the top. I can remember the way the aluminium arms felt and the way they curved at the end. She had plants hanging throughout the porch with scratchy macrame holders. There was a sort of wind chime on one end of the porch made entirely of shells. It made this beautiful clinking noise when the wind blew through.

But I shouldn't remember her aluminium furniture! I should remember her eyes or what she said to me while she was alive. I wish I could. My mother tells me that she was the kindest, truest soul she's ever known. That she was so energetic and giving. But I can't remember any of this. I just fucking remember some shells and some lawn furniture. It's something but it doesn't feel important.

I wish there were a way to rewire the way one's memory functioned.

unstable

and it's our lives
it's hard to remember
we're alive for the first time
it's hard to remember
we're alive for the last time
it's hard to remember
to live before you die -mm

An acquaintance died the other day. I didn't know him well but his death has been such a blow. K died in Iraq. That was hard but I seemed to be able to understand it better. He was a soldier. J wasn't. His death was random, no purpose. He was just some random kid. He went to college. He filled his brain with thoughts and loves. He had so much potential. His whole life was a forward motion towards something. And suddenly he's just gone. All that potential, saved up, waiting to start. And it just disappeared.

I can't get my head around it.

It's official.

I booked my flights for Denver and Philly.

Eleven years ago

When I was 13 I had my portrait taken in dance class. The town's resident crazy artist decided to document the citizens and he was in our dance class one day. In the photograph my body is facing the right but my head is turned and I'm staring directly at the camera. I had my hair in some sort of pig tail thing. My features are young. My face is round. My eyes seem large. But what makes the picture is the look I'm giving the camera. It's so stern. There is almost a flicker of anger behind the eyes. The hair may say 'child' but the eyes say adult.

Today I was cleaning my apartment. I was wearing some sort of fitted tank top thing and my hair pulled back into pig tails. I was picking up something in the bathroom and as I lifted up I caught my reflection in the mirror. It was the exact pose of that portrait taken nearly 11 years ago. I had completely forgotten about that photograph until now.

The hair is longer. The eyes seem more tired. The woman is in an entirely different stage of life. But that flicker of... seriousness. Anger. Something. It's still there.

I wish I had a copy of the photograph to illustrate what I'm talking about. But I have no idea where it is. Probably in a box somewhere in Pennsylvania.

I'm bringing sweaty back.

So I have this thing. Ever since I was a little kid, I've been teased that I sweat too much. I get it from my father. Once when I was in dance class (I must have been about 8 or 9 at the time) my instructor actually told me I looked like a drowned rat in front of the class. It's just something I'm self conscious of and can't really do much about.

Recently I've been doing some sort of physical activity after work. I'll run or go for a bike ride. Granted, I'm no athlete but it feels really good to get reacquainted with my body. And so naturally I've been sweating my brains out. I'm starting to love it. I just put clothes on that are meant to get soaked and allow myself to sweat. It's freeing. I'm reclaiming sweating.

Prediction

Listening to classical music will become hip.
Just you watch.

Love in a Digital Age

So I went on my first internet "blind" date tonight. Not really blind since we met on a social networking/dating site. But still. We didn't know each other. Anywho. It went alright. Which is encouraging. No sparks, no magic, no amazing anything. Just two nervous, average people huddled in the corner of a bistro making small talk. It wasn't bad. We laughed. It wasn't spark-y either. Is this what dating is supposed to be like from now on? *Worried look*

On a similar note:
Anyone could be your brand new love.
I worry about my capacity to love. There are times that I feel like I could fall in love with anyone. I feel like I fall for anyone I get to know well. So which is it? Chicken or egg? Does getting to know someone well inevitably lead to love? Or do you love and therefore get to know intimately?
I guess it's a matter of investment. You love the ones you do because when you first met, there was a glimmer of something. Potential. Even if it was off in the distance. That's why you invest time and emotion in the relationship. There's got to be a glimmer or why would you bother? The question then is, do I see a glimmer in everyone?

Waiting for Godot

Or in my case the UPS delivery person.

I'm waiting for a package of one of my client's (BM) business cards. I used an online printer since the client's budget was next to nothing. I had the package sent to my apartment since I figured it would be unprofessional to have another client's project sent to my HG office. But my apartment building doesn't have an office so one has to be at home to receive a delivery from UPS or FedEx. It's frustrating enough that I can never catch personal packages. It's 10 times more frustrating when it's for a job that's already past deadline.

I've been trying to work on HG stuff while waiting at home but I can't seem to accomplish anything. Every 15 minutes I have to jump up and go for a walk. Then, panicked that I might have missed the UPS delivery I rush home to find that nothing's different. I'm clawing at the walls... I hate waiting.

Neue Haas Grotesk wasn't as catchy.

I saw Helvetica last night! It was amazing. I mean, the film was great. The director, Gary Hustwit (I Am Trying To Break Your Heart, Moog, and Drive Well, Sleep Carefully) was there to do a Q&A after the screening, as well as DAVID CARSON. (*giggles like a child*) But the coolest part of the evening was that I was in the middle of an absolutely packed theater of like-minded people who laughed at typography humor. If you love type (regardless of your feelings about Helvetica) you must see this film.

Oh, and design credit goes to Veer for the notebooks pictured above. The copy is a quote by Vignelli in the film: You can say 'I love you' in Helvetica. You can say it with Helvetica Extra Light if you want to be really fancy. You can say 'I hate you' in Helvetica. You can say it with Helvetica Extra Bold if you want to be really passionate.

Slow evening.

So I'm sitting here, 11:09 on a Friday evening. Drinking a glass of cheap, way-too-sweet, white wine and reading. And while this sounds quasi charming in type, in reality it's just pathetic. It's only the wine that's letting me pout about my lack of a social life but still... How do you start from nothing? I had friends. I had people to laugh with. But we're all over the country now. So now what? How do I start from scratch? All the people at work are older and married. I don't know how to go about meeting people when I've got nothing to go on. Blind friendships.

Someone take me out! Someone magically appear. I'm tired of being responsible for my own happiness.

I guess that's the moral of the story. I've already realized life is only what I chose to make of it. But I'm tired of that responsibility. I suppose we all are.


Song of the evening: Relief by Chris Garneau

to the general public:
POWERPOINT IS NOT A DESIGN PROGRAM. SO STOP USING IT LIKE IT IS.

I've had two meals involving ketchup today.
I need to start eating better, yeesh...

Synesthesia

Well color me surprised. When listening to music I often close my eyes and just let my subconscious conjure images and (more often than not) colors. I have an inkling that this is why I respond so strongly to Rothko. I always loved that about myself, that I could make an internal lightshow out of anything. I have described it to friends as "watching my subconscious." I didn't realize that this had a proper name. I don't put too much stock in it, but it is fascinating to think that other people see the same sort of things I do. (The following is from wikipedia)

Music → color synesthesia

In music → color synesthesia, individuals experience colors in response to tones or other aspects of musical stimuli (e.g., timbre or key). Like grapheme → color synesthesia, there is rarely agreement amongst synesthetes that a given tone will be a certain color, but individuals are internally consistent. Tested months later, synesthetes will report the same experiences as they had previously reported.

Color changes in response to pitch may involve more than just the hue of the color. Brightness (the amount of white in a color; as brightness is removed from red, for example, it fades into a brown and finally to black), saturation (the intensity of the color; firetruck red and sky blue are highly saturated, while grays, white, and black are unsaturated), and hue may all be affected to varying degrees (Campen & Froger 2003). Additionally, music → color synesthetes, unlike grapheme → color synesthetes, often report that the colors move, or stream into and out of their field of view.

Heroin : Addict :: Coffee : Me

Today is the third day in a row that I have not had coffee. Not for lack of coffee. I have several sacks of beans waiting for me in the kitchen, just waiting to be ground and brewed into that heavenly elixir. I don't know why I haven't. I just know that it hurts like fuck. Every day that I don't drink coffee I get these horrible headaches. And everyday I notice that I'm getting a headache so I drink a glass of water thinking that it's just dehydration. It's not until the headache is full-swing-lay-on-the-couch bad that I realize that this is another lack of caffeine headaches. Grrrr...

beauty

A week or so ago I decided to do an experiment. I wanted to see just how much of a difference makeup had on a person's appearance. We make such a big deal over it, but how much does it really affect the way you appear. So I did two shots, one with makeup and one without to just see how much of a difference there was. (Tried to keep the pose/lighting/everything else the same) Gotta tell you, given the fact I spent like 20 minutes on makeup & hair and whatnot, there isn't a tremendous change. I showed the images to Morg and he made a good point. The most striking difference between the two images is actually the hair, not the makeup. I might have to try the same experiment again but with the hairstyle remaining the same. Anywho, I wasn't going to post those pictures at all (it was just an experiment for myself) but yesterday I ran into this video from Dove. It does a much better job at proving a point:

Artists I've been enjoying recently

Tim Biskup
He describes his work as "baroque modernism" and I am totally seeing a Hieronymous Bosch influence.

Stella Im Hultberg
Seems like this little lady probably has an alter for Egon Schiele. She's not there yet, but there's some nice watercolor stuff...

Amy Sol
Gets a bit monotonous after awhile, same figure, same creatures, same feeling... but done well. I found out about her because they used one of her paintings as the cover for this week's Mercury.



Jesse LeDoux
I'd seen so much of his stuff before but never realized it was the same, ever-so-talented person.

Zanpon This guy intreges me. I've seen his work at the link above and here. But you really can't see the work on either page. Need to find some of his stuff in real life, I just want to stare at it.

Wanna see a concerned tomato dancing?

build your own little dancing thing here.

The sunshine has affected my mood. Can you tell?

Today has been awesome! It's finally COLD rather than just chilly. It's bright and sunny! Yes! And I'm in Portland! No lie! It's actually sunny today!
Aaand I had one of the best retail experiences ever this morning. I'd run out of coffee and decided to splurge and get two types of coffee. I wanted a dark, rich blend for the morning and something lighter to mix with cream/sugar in the afternoon. So I hopped on over to Coffee People which is where I got my last blend (Human Being organic, very dark, very awesome). The people there were so amazingly helpful and cheerful and informative! I cannot speak highly enough of them. Not only did they help me pick out some new blends to try, they were pleasant and took time with me (I never felt rushed even though I kept asking questions). And, when the blend that one of the employees recommended was a day over the expiration date, she gave me a whole other pound of beans for free. HOORAY! I had a wonderful experience with these guys. Coffee People rocks my world!

McStarbucks

It seems that Starbucks and McDonalds are starting something. Don't know who hit who first, but it appears that both are trying to take the other's business. I never thought it would be those two, I mean, talk about different marketing approaches / audiences ...

I've read several articles in the past few days about big changes that both companies are making. The first article I read claimed there will be a new Coke vs Pepsi war (similar to the cola wars of the early 90s except that this one involves iced coffee beverages). Pepsi has long been partnered with Starbucks, that's how Starbucks' beverages get distribution. But Coke has recently announced a partnership with Caribou Coffee. So it begins...

Now this seems to have nothing to do with McDonalds, but as well you should know, McDonalds is partnered with Coke and Kentucky Fried Taco Hut is Pepsi. McDonalds (as well as most fast food chains including BurgerKing) has recently announced that they will be upgrading their coffee. Now, if they were using Caribou, they'd probably have announced *that*, they'd be stupid not to. But that's just Kat thinking out loud.

The second article came just one day later. Several McDonalds in the Lewisville Kentucky area will be experimenting with new interiors. Trying to make people stay longer in a McDonalds! Free (with purchase) WiFi in a McDonalds! What a cultural shift! McDonalds!!! This is the company that practically INVENTED harsh cafeteria style interiors to 'get em in and get em out'! This is rather big news...

And today I read that Starbucks is starting a line of breakfast sandwiches. Whoa. Now McDonalds hasn't been topping the charts these past few years. They're not doing poorly, just not record sales n' whatnot. But one thing that McDonalds OWNS, over all fast food chains, is breakfast. No chain does as well as McDonalds when it comes to breakfast. Other chains have dabbled in breakfast, I think I heard Wendy's tried it and Taco Bell too. But no one has come close to the Egg McMuffin and the McGriddle. McDonalds truly owns fast, cheap, on-the-go (greasy and disgusting) breakfast.

So wow. Read those articles. I think they're fascinating. Let me just say, for the record, that I'm not a fan of either McDonalds or Starbucks. I don't frequent either. But in our capitalist culture, big businesses like those guys are harbingers of cultural shifts. If McDonalds is changing, it means something. People are asking for different things. And it's fun to wonder why.

ps: you have to understand my sense of humor a little to get the image above. i think ridiculous photoshop shit is funny... some people don't. their loss.

Dr. Kat Prescribes

(I wrote a prescription for myself)

Find some space. Make sure you're alone and no one will interrupt you.

Channel your inner 7 year old spaz. (I don't know if everyone was a spaz at 7 but I sure was....)

Put on your favorite danceable song, even if it's not cool. The more embarrassing, perhaps the better.

Now, stand in the center of your space. Play song. Dance like a spaz for the entirety of the song. Flail your arms. Hop around. Swing your hair (or your pretend hair). If you think you're beginning to look cool, you're doing something wrong.

Repeat daily.

If symptoms of uptightedness, stuffiness and general discontent continue, you're doing something wrong.