Preference

It's funny (in the ironic sense more than the humorous sense) that what I look for in design is clarity. But in music I lean so heavily towards really orchestrated, lush music. Sometimes it seems that anything w/ only one guitarist is automatically out. ;)

Does that mean anything? Do I compensate for the sterility of the design I like with the complexity of the music I enjoy? Or is this all just preference anyway? Why do we like the things we do? And can our preferences in one aspect of our life affect our preferences in other areas? For example, do I love really meditative hobbies only because I feel so flustered by my work? Anyone else see this in their life?

Made Up Language

The other day I told my mom that I was really enjoying my writing class and she responded,
"Good, well, I hope it will teach you to stop making up words."
"Why? I like to make up words."
"I think you make up words because you can't think of a real one."
"Precisely!"


(ps: 15 minutes until it's my birthday. yay for 23.)

Our bodies are really well crafted...

Last night/this morning/whatever at 5 am I sliced open my middle finger with a utility blade. Deep cut too, the flesh on the right side of the top joint is just holding on. Anyway, so when it happened there was immediately a lot of blood. But, and here's the cool part and why this whole fiasco is worth blogging about, there wasn't any pain (at first). All the pain and the nausea from the blood (I know not everyone gets that, but I do) was delayed so that I could take care of the situation first. I wonder if that's just the adrenaline sort of covering it up so that I can just act instead. So it happened, I pudder around the apartment going "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..." looking for gauze and bandages n' whatnot. And once I have it cleaned out and covered, only then did I actually go "FUCK! OW!" Now that's wonderful engineering.

Winter Cleaning

I went through and tried to clean up some dead links I had over to the right there. Sorry 'bout that. I also added some stuff that will hopefully inspire anyone who wanders over here. Take a gander.

I never thought a kiss could be... so cold

Wanna see something incredibly Hallmark? It practically looks fake.

I became one of those people! You know, the ones who start a blog and update devotedly and then... just... stop. ;) I'm going to try and pick up the pace again b/c while I was doing it before, I enjoyed it. Kept me thinking in different ways, ways other than just graphics.

Summary of the last month and a half: The last part of last semester was brutal. I was convinced I would fail my comm design course. Fortunately everything worked out in the end and while I'm not too proud of the work that I ended up submitting, I have this semester to clean it up for my final final portfolio (EEP!). Winter break was fantastic. I slept and did nothing for 3 weeks straight. After the 3rd week I woke up one day and felt human again. Also, it was wonderful to see my friends & family.

So there. That's that. While there's been plenty of personal drama going on I never wanted this to be a 'this-is-what-I-did-today/and-then-she-said' sort of thing so that's all I'll say about what's been going on.

I've been thinking a lot about my anxiety levels. I have always had some weird ticks (crane folding, eyebrow picking) that are probably just manifestations of anxiety, but all of them have been sort of intensified lately. Last night Julia and I went to a house show down the block from my apartment. Now I've always known I don't particularly like crowds, but I think that's a rather common dislike. Especially when the crowd brings to mind visions of sardines. To be honest I don't know where I was going with this, perhaps to muse whether or not I had a true anxiety problem since I feel so uncomfortable around people anymore. It's so difficult to tell. Am I blaming my anti-social tendencies on a mental disorder because I am unwilling to admit that ... what? I was never shy when I was younger. Why am I so awkward now? Or do I hide behind awkwardness because it protects me from getting to know anyone (i.e. getting hurt)? To be honest I feel like I'm an outgoing person who dislikes being outgoing. I feel that tug of obligation ("I should be talking to someone. There's a room full of people to talk to.") but I don't want to act on it. Is that just what it's like to be shy?

Another issue raised by last night's show. Indie rock show dancing; ugh. Ok, before someone jumps on my throat with either A) you dance at shows or B) (*said in some breathy voice*) but dancing is so immediate/wonderful and I really get to *feel* the music. Please. I admit, yeah, I've been into dancing at shows, sure. But last night I stopped dancing and was just watching people do it. People have begun to dance at shows for all the wrong reasons. Now here I'm obligated to admit that yes, I am inferring people's intentions simply on the way they move. But body language is a powerful thing and we infer a great deal about most people we meet by the way they move. So, moving on. Argument Numero Uno: People are dancing for themselves. It doesn't matter what the music is anymore, they'd dance anyway. They don't move around in those ever so perfectly apathetic motions because they're really *feeling* the music. T h e y d o n ' t c a r e about the music. They're just dancing for themselves. All they care is that there's a steady beat to move to. Which makes me wonder why there even needs to be a live band. Are all these hipsters really club go-ers in different costumes? Argument Numero Dos: People are dancing for other people. When I looked around what I saw were girls grinding with other girls or their boys. And I couldn't help but thinking about bird's mating dances. Are they just dancing to attract attention? Peacock's tail feathers, a blue footed boobie's intricate dance, the hipster's bop. Dancing with someone *is* an intimate act and for sure it has been utilized in the matingimeandating process. But don't you dare go and tell me you're dancing because you're into the music.

I feel like I'm going to catch a lot of shit for those last few comments. Whatever. Rant over. Hehe, I sound so bitter. Just to clarify: I have nothing against dancing. Just A) dance because you're into the music or B) dance for whatever reason you like, just don't *pretend* that you're into the music. Be aware of why you're really dancing.

Everything is anything because of intention.

Strange Bedfellows

This is Flack.
I know a lot of people don't know what the hell "comm design" is. I'm still not really sure what it can be... but what it is right now is museum design, product/package design, magazine/website/publication design, corporate id, posters, ads, etc.... My professors cop out of the question by saying "we design anything that communicates a message", which might be the closest answer I can give too.
Anywho, this is Flack. I designed a line of stuffed animals for adults that double as sleep aids (they're filled with aromatherapy stuff). This is one of them. The others' names are Aven, Miles and Nori. They're all pretty "cute".
Anywho, thought it was neat.
Back to work.
-k.
ps: comm design doesn't mean just drawing them. i sewed the stuffed animals (for real), and will (in the next few days) design and built all their packages and a point of purchuse display. sorry, a little defensive there. didn't want ppl thinking all i did was sketch some critters.

Breakfast Conversations with Meg*

Meg said (while we were on the topic of small children):
"Of course they're cute! They're designed to be cute so we don't kill them!"

Hehe, it's good to find people who are the the same page ;)
Back to work. -k.

"announcement"

i'm sick! blarck... (that was the closest spelling to the noise i just made) also, as the end the semester is right on top of me, i am going to be a horrible friend. so if i seem to disappear until dec 20th or so it's because i'm holed up in my room or at studio. although i'm going to be awful at correspondence, please send good vibes/well wishes/random phone calls my way b/c i'll need them desperately. i love you all (i feel okey saying that since only my close friends bother to read this).
*buckles down for two weeks of intense comm design*
-k.

Long Drives

For the last three days, I've gone out driving to do a simple errand. And every time I end up not accomplishing the errand, but driving around for hours instead. It's terribly frustrating because I feel like I don't have control over it anymore. I really left intending only to do this one small task, but when I get to an intersection where I've never turned left I find myself in the left-hand lane. Almost like it's not my choice or something. I wish I knew what desire this was satisfying: the time alone, the sense of exploration, the need to "leave" or what.
Today, on what's quickly becoming my daily drive, I saw a boy raking leaves at a hardware store. The way he was moving with the rake was so graceful, almost like dancing. He moved his whole body. Anywho, I was turning around in the hardware store's parking lot and for a split second the boy and I locked eyes. And I started to wonder, what constitutes a "connection" between two people? Because this boy and I have a connection now, even if it was a fraction of a second, like brushing shoulders in an elevator. But did I have a connection with him before? when I noticed him dancing with the rake? Or is a connection only sealed when both parties acknowledge the other's existence? Is that what connection is? Noticing one another? Accepting the fact that, yes, you exist.

Insert your own title

People can fall into two categories: 1. the blissfully naive and 2. those who are aware and dealing with it all. When I was younger, say 13, I was certain that the majority of the world fell into category #1 and that I alone was destined to carry the burden of awareness. What egocentric bullshit. Now I realize that everyone sans the mildly retarded fall into category #2. We're *all* dealing with it. We're *all* complex and interesting. The only difference is what issues and the modes with which we deal with them.

Night colors

i got really into taking photos at night with artificial light's strange colors.

Photos

Someone asked me once if I had more images of ___ (situation/environment). Of course I do! I take way more images that I post on here. I take way more images than I upload too. But those that get uploaded are all over

here.

Check out the ones from today, especially Kip's project. Most of the pictures are way out of focus [b/c I was shooting at night without a flash (choice) and without a tripod (not by choice)]. But it's more about mood anyway. I would love to see some of these images printed really big.

(PS: By showing you this site I am in no way claiming to be "a photographer". So don't go critiquing them as if I'm showing them as photographic masterpieces. If you're here, I assume you're casually interested in the same stuff I am, so here are some pictures of it all.)

Neuroses

I am prone to what I'm going to call "protege" and "side-kick" syndromes. All my life I've been attracted to brighter (not in the intelligence sense, but in the louder/more attractive/attention-grabbing sense) individuals. So I become the side-kick. (Insert name) and Kat, almost like an afterthought. I typically don't mind. How could I when I do it to myself? Or in more extreme cases, I'm drawn to people I find more talented, more sure of themselves, more intelligent because they challenge me to become better. But almost inevitably I will slip into this role of protege. They have something to teach me. And the levels of respect become drastically off-kilter. I will find myself in conversation with them and really excited when they agree with me. Not because we have something in common but because I "answered correctly". And while I can't say that's out of character, because this is obviously a flaw in my character, it's not something I agree with or ever thought that I would do.

chimney bluffs

Chimney Bluffs State Park on Lake Ontario. Pretty freaking amazing. Lake Ontario would have been amazing in and of itself, even if there weren't giant spires of rock and dirt bursting out of the shoreline. Trying to capture the scale of these spires is impossible. In one of the pictures above, if you squint, you can see little people along the shore. When you're on top of these bluffs, you're unbelievably high up.

Today was a horrible day for pictures though, the light was way too strong and with all those odd ridges it created all this strange (unwanted) shadows everywhere. Whatever. It was fantastic just to be there. Although as sunset approached I got my daily headache. And then the sun, the sound of the water, it was all to much to handle so I had to leave. Ugh. I wish that shit would stop.

It's funny, as I was driving to the bluffs I kept thinking, "this looks familiar." And when I got there I remembered that I have been there before; 3 years ago when Dan, Lindsay, Morgan and I were in the Outing Club for *a* night. I found the beach that they built a bonfire and the rocks that the four of us wandered off to. I sat there and felt nostalgic. Heh, we barely knew each other back then. Look at us now...

My Thoughts on Individuality

Koan for today...

Today was my appointment for my senior portrait. I hate these things with a passion. The contrived positions they make you maintain are almost as contrived as the whole idea. But I went of course because my mom loves things like this. So on my way there I tried desperately to protect myself from the rain; to protect my hair, my make-up blah blah blah so that I looked as nice as she would want me to look. I went, I saw, I was photographed. And I was never happier when I could walk outside bare-headed and let the rain mat down my hair and make my make-up run.

oneida lake

It was a cold gray day today. This is much more like Syracuse weather. Going to Oneida Lake felt like going to the Chesapeake Bay back in the day. I really can't be away from water for long.

quiet night on the porch

tonight all i can think about are my failed attempts at relationships or whatever. mulling over the embarrassment. i'm tired of trying anymore. i'm sure everyone feels this way. which is why nothing ever happens. specifically i'm listening to ___ for the first time (i realize now) since i went to their show in columbia MO randomly (what? well over a year ago?) and tried to talk to ___. well, i talked to him, but he was fairly obviously not interested and each attempt at conversation fizzled. whatever. fuck it. a hundred other versions of that instance since...

haha, and perhaps even more humorous is the fact that i feel guilty publishing this on my blog. heh, that i shouldn't present myself this way... emotional or whatnot. admitting that even intellectual/detatched kat gets worked up over relationships. fuck, i'm 360 with this shit! (that was for meg*) ughghighhgiugh... if it's not work, it's this shit, or missing my friends. when can i just get back to "good"?

Today I traveled east, to the Fenner wind farm. I never knew about it before but it's truly fascinating. I mean, I know what 300 feet is, but you don't *really* understand until you see these 300 feet tall windmills. Also, there's that electric buzzing noise which one naturally associates with energy being used, but you have to stop and remind yourself that this is the sound of energy being *created*. And in a clean, sustainable way! Anywho, I had a good time just trekking around on my own.

I had a lot of thoughts today that weren't masterpieces, just sort of common knowledge. But we never talk about them so you never really *realize* it. For example; we can think faster than we can speak because in our thoughts we aren't limited by language. We're free to think in images, symbols and any other sort of signifier we please. Which was followed by the thought that what we call "personal expression" isn't personal at all because one has to channel it through this filter of language or art medium or whatever. (This is not a new thought and I realize this; a lot of people have dealt with the frustrating limitation of language or art or whatever). And I thought of doing an art piece just mapping the synapses and chemicals throughout my brain because that's the closest anyone can ever get to understanding my thought process.

There are some bands who just "fit" that particular day. As if an element of the day was missing and they're the perfect notch. It's a game I sort of play with myself. I assume that each day has a band or an album or a song that's "meant" for it. So casually, throughout the day, I try to find today's music. Some days I'm successful, in fact today's band was Explosions in the Sky. Heh, they're the perfect band a lot of my days...

I'm 22 now... To say that out loud makes 22 seem young. I am young. I've never felt young. All throughout my life I've felt too old for my age and I comforted myself with the thought that one day I would grow into my mind. Always too serious... I've become much better in the last 2 years. (I don't even know what "better" means in this case, lightened up I guess. Hell, I had petsinuniforms.com as my last entry! I'm not all theory!) But now, at 22 I still don't feel entirely comfortable with being 22. Heh, well one of two things will happen. Someday I will either
1. really grow into my mind and feel comfortable with my age
or
2. realize that one never really feels their age.
Anywho, "feels their age" implies social expectations anyway. Who's to say that a 10-yr old can't be thoughtful? Blarg...

Not a good way to close an entry, but I've got other stuff I should be doing.

www.petsinuniform.com

Brad directed me to this stellar site. You know, I *have* had fantasies of my dog, cat, or other pet in full military regalia. And they can make this fantasy a reality!

this goes out to the ones i love (and miss severely)

i miss you guys so much. tonight on the phone my mom asked me if i'm going to have any themed parties anymore and i just wanted to cry. linds; thanks so much (again) for the pictures you took/scanned. they've been a great source of comfort lately. *mwah* i miss my housies desperately!!!!! come back!!!!!!