it's portland, it rains

Architecture in Helsi.... well, just architecture

We shape our buildings. After that, they shape us.
- attributed to Winston Churchill

Nice thought, no?

Ut-oh, she's reminiscing...

Life never gets easier. In fact, it will only continue to get more difficult. We just become better at handling it. And this is supposed to even things out...

An excerpt from a BBC article posted yesterday:
At the University of Pittsburgh in the US, developmental psychologist Beatriz Luna has been analyzing how adolescents' brains work to try to work out why they behave as they do. And she says the answer is in a bit of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. "It doesn't do anything particularly itself," she says. "It just organizes and arranges everything else in the brain. And what we find is that adolescents are showing an almost exaggerated dependence on prefrontal cortex, where the adult doesn't need to." In other words, teenage brains are not as effective as adult brains at working out how to behave. They are not too good at assessing risk, and they are particularly ill-equipped to analyze competing demands on them. But according to another American academic, Cynthia Lightfoot, who has also made a study of adolescent behaviour, taking risks is not necessarily something that teenagers do simply because their brains are not fully developed yet. "An awful lot of adolescent risk-taking is in fact incredibly rational," she says. "Much of it serves important developmental functions such as exploration, learning about yourself, and learning about the world."

I was, and this is admittedly lame, looking at the myspace profiles of young teenagers in my hometown and trying to pinpoint the differences between them and my 16 year old self. Similar problems, similar priorities. And I was trying to remember what life was like for me when I was 16. What did I worry about then? Where did I think I'd be by 23? Have I lived up to those expectations? Did I take more risks back then? I don't have any real answers here, just pondering...

808

Padding down the carpeted hallway in my socks, no one could have heard me coming. I was just walking down the hall to move my laundry from the washer to the dryer. No need for shoes. As I passed apartment 808 I heard a soft whimper. I paused and looked at the door. The whimpering built up to sobbing. I walked on to the laundry room. On my way back to my apartment I stopped again in front of apartment 808. I heard a female voice say, "But there's no one here and the test is positive." She was still crying. She must have been on the phone with someone. My heart went out to her, she sounded so scared. I would never have done it, but I wished I could have opened the door and given her a hug. In the following days I would blow a kiss at apartment 808 as I walked past and would hope that she could feel that someone was wishing her happiness, or at least courage.

And then, yesterday, as I was walking down the hall to the elevators, 808 stepped out of her apartment. She looks a lot like me. We're both young, white, brunettes. We got onto the elevator and smiled at one another. There was an awkward pause as the smiles faded and we both engrossed ourselves with the descending elevator numbers.
"Do you want a Jolly Rancher?" she asked.
"I'm sorry?" I turned my head to look at her.
"Do you want a Jolly Rancher?" she asked as she began to poke around in her purse, "I have red or green."
"Uh, green." and she handed me a green one, "Thanks" I said.
"What's your favorite color?" I asked.
"Hurm... I guess green too."
"Oh! Well, I don't want to take..." I trailed off as she waved her hand.
"Don't worry about it, I have tons at home."
The elevator *binged* and we stepped off into the lobby. I was the first one out the front doors and held them open for her. We smiled again and turned to walk in opposite directions.

***

It was 10 o'clock at night and I was coming back from the grocery store across the street. I had gone to the store for milk but ended up purchasing milk, orange juice, a bottle of iced tea and 2 bags of potato chips (buy one get one free). As I lumbered into the apartment building's lobby with my bags of groceries I spotted an older man staring at the community events bulletin board. He continued to stare at the board as I passed behind him and slipped onto the elevator. I set my bags down and punched number 8. Then I thought better of it and poked my head out the elevator. The man turned to look at me. "Going up?" I asked. He didn't say anything, just turned to board the elevator. He hit number 5. I smiled at him and he smiled back. He was also holding a grocery bag.
"You know, I went to the store for milk and I come home with all this!" I joked.
He smiled.
"I got dinner," he said as he raised his grocery bag and I saw that it held a six-pack.
We both laughed.
"See you," he said as he stepped out onto 5.

...

Save $265 with IGNORANCE!

I was in TJ Maxx the other day, looking for a laptop case and possibly a suitcase to travel with. (For those who don't know what a TJ Maxx is, they're a sort of discount department store. They get all of the previous year's leftovers, or slightly damaged goods and sell them cheaper. There's probably some sort of equivalent near where you live.) I saw all the basic black shoulder strap laptop cases which would have done the job, but then I saw this. I recognized the Burton logo from Miss Meg*'s dealings with the company. [Also a certain occasion where I drawled out, "Is that the Burton catalog?!" (only Meg* will get that one, sorry)] I unzipped the front pocket and come face to face with... "Is that a..?!" And indeed it was. This pack comes with a solar panel.

Now I'm not a complete stranger to avant electronics. I've been interested in wearable electronics since I first was introduced to the idea at Siggraph 2004. And to see someone walking around with a homemade solar panel backpack probably wouldn't surprise me at this point. But to see one in mass production? I was surprised. And pleased.

I looked the whole thing over. It comes with a hidden compartment between your shoulder blades to store your ipod. Your headphones attach to a output in the shoulder strap. And on your left shoulder strap there is a series of softswitch buttons to control volume and song selection and whatnot. (Burton has been putting that sort of technology in their coats for at least a year now, but it's still rather novel to me). I've always thought that carrying your ipod in your hands in a city situation was a desperate cry to be mugged. And while I still don't think this set-up will prevent you from getting mugged, at least now it's not as easy as taking it out of your hands.

And the solar panel. It can either be exposed in good weather or tucked away in not-so-sunny weather. It's just meant to power your ipod. It's only 5volts or something thereabout. Also, the power cord is firewire which is nice, but my ipod would need an adapter. (Also, for some reason, I feel compelled to mention that NO, I did not pay for a $300 ipod. It was given to me as a gift for my work at Atomicdust).

I also did not pay full price for the backpack. The pack didn't have a price tag anywhere on it so I took it up to the cashier out of pure curiosity. I was expecting to hear $160 or so because I assumed it originally went for $200.

Kat: I'm just curious, can you tell me how much this is?
Young Cashier: Uh, hum.... I dunno. Let me call my manager.
(we wait)
Manager: (looks it over) Uh, I think we sold this last week for $40, but because it's a return and missing its ipod, I can sell it to you for $35? Sound good?
Kat: (mouth open) Uh, sure. $35 sounds good.

I seriously wasn't planning on buying it. But I think it was the price that sold me. The basic black shoulder strap laptop cases were all running $30 or $35 anyway, so why not this one with a few other perks? (I guess I forgot to mention, but yes, it has a protected compartment for your laptop too). So I bought it.

That night I tested out the softswitch button and the electronics associated with playback and everything worked fantastically. I gotta admit, I was expecting nothing to work and was going to just rip out the electronics and use it as a carrier either way. But working electronics was a plus! I still haven't been able to test the solar panel due to inclement weather and no adapter.

A few days later I was surfing around online and decided to find out the real list price for the pack. Only to find its retail value was once $299. Yowzer! And it never once came with an ipod as the manager erroneously assumed. Now, I like the bag, but it's not worth $300. But $35 is quite nice.

don't make me get back up, 'cause i'll just fall

so down tonight. i can't figure out why. i think this whole "giving up everything you know and moving somewhere where you know no one and nothing" is starting to get to me. i'm starting to get cold feet. i have to buy my plane tickets soon. i've started selling all off my stuff. i have no idea what i'm doing. sometimes i'm really exhilarated by this move, it's adventurous. but other times i'm just sad and despondent. i feel like i don't have anything keeping me here (besides mr. b), or anything making me move out there. i've got no roots. i'm just floating around. matt applebaum once told me 'you need *something* stable. you need something reliable. or else you just feel like you're foundering.' and i'm there. nothing is stable right now.

perfect song right now: lucero's "i'll just fall"

i'm going to go try to run it off. 'cause that's what i do. i run away until i feel better again.

so.. uh, here's uh tip...

i hate tipping people when you have to look them in the eyes. so i'm not talking about tipping your waitress/waiter when you just get to leave it on the table or write it on the receipt. today we had a new washer delivered and my mom had left money for me to tip the guys who delivered it. i was idly chatting with them while they were installing the machine n' whatnot and when they left they both shook my hand and turned to go. i remembered the tip money so i pulled it out of my pocket and handed it to them. it was so fucking awkward. i know that a tip means "i appreciate your hard work" but there is also an inherent hierarchy involved. it means *i* am the client and *you* are the 'servant'. and i certainly didn't feel that way about those guys. hell, i looked up to them if anything.

Kay Neilsen

I recently found out about an illustrator by the name of Kay Neilsen. He was active from the 10s through the 50s and is well known for his fairy tale illustrations. I just got a book of his work and am eager to share, so here ya go:



it's tough to see them & all their detail on the web. i do enjoy his use of white space and bottom-heavy layouts.

this is my cat ricky. i remember distinctly the night we sat down as a family and decided ricky's name. my brother wanted to name him frankenstein. but i think i started crying so we didn't name him frankenstein. why i chose the name ricky i have ABSOLUTELY no idea. which frustrates me now. but maybe it was just to prove to my future self that you don't have to find meaning in everything.

ricky is now 15 years old. i got him back in the summer of '91. he's in pretty good shape give his age. he's not running around after squirrels anymore, but he can still get up onto my bed. but in all those 15 years this cat has never once been affectionate. he's been cute plenty of times and he'll let you pet him (operative word there is 'let') but he's not a snuggler. and he doesn't like to be picked up. and he is most definitely not a lapcat.

either way, he's always been my grumpy little furball. and now i've got to make some tough choices. when i move to seattle, do i try to bring him with me? as of right now, i'm considering moving in w/ meg and she has a wonderful little cat by the name of sushi. but ricky is old and i hear that sush is a fighter. sushi will kick the living shit out of ricky if i tried to bring him with. not to mention ricky trying to adapt to new and much smaller surroundings. so do i leave him here? he and my grandmother are good company for one another while my mom's at work. but things have changed around here. ricky tossed his kibbles the other night and he's been 'marking' the house. (he used to be an indoor/outdoor cat so he got all that territorial shit out of him while he was outside. but a bad run-in with a gopher left him with a mangled foot and as a permanently indoor cat). my mom can't deal with all this mess and she's not going to. so ricky has been relegated to living in the garage. i feel incredibly sorry for him. but i understand my mom's anger too. he's been doing it a lot. so can i just leave him here? trapped in a garage indefinitely? i don't know what to do...

we feel fine = i feel exhilarated

once again, jonathan harris is amazing. (well, jonathan and his collaborator sepandar kamvar). go check out wefeelfine.org. my favorite forms of "organization" are the mobs and the murmurs. (that will make sense when you check out the site). i just leave the murmurs window open and occasionally check in on the world's 'mood'. (ps: i absolutely love the warm charcoal/black that they use for the background color. hurm... maybe for my own website...)

from the cold sunlight that's reflected off the moon

i wore a sweater & drank some hot tea this afternoon. i haven't felt this much "in my element" in a long time. this was also the first time in a LONG time that i had two days off in a row. i was actually productive! i feel like i *need* two days off, for my own. saturdays (even if they don't take place on an actual saturday) are for selfish endeavors. but it's sunday (irregardless if it actually is sunday) that is productive. that's the day you wake up feeling refreshed and on top of things.

Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right? -mm

i am a procrastinator by nature (or probably more from nurture but whatev). and i've been terrible lately. most days i get off work at 5 with a notebook full of things to do burning in my pocket. but after i make dinner and sit down, i never get back up. i worry about myself. i know that i'm tired, but is that really what's keeping me from starting all these really important things (like a genuine job search)? i worry that the real reason is that i'm scared. i'm afraid to put my portfolio out there. i'm afraid to hear rejection. now if i were you, sitting there reading this, i would be saying "buck up kiddo" under my breath. there is no room for these excuses. but seriously, i think that's what's preventing me from getting up out of my chair and redoing the portfolio/getting my site together/sending out packages n' whatnot.

but the tide is changing. while last month i was content with this comfortable lack of responsibility, now i just feel like i'm stalling. and i can feel the urge to move on, to get on w/ my life. brad tells me, "this part is life too." but it doesn't feel that way. this life feels like a holding cell. i needed the "break" (if working 50+ hours a week is a break) but now i'm ready to move onto the next chapter.

"John Milton was a failure. In writing Paradise Lost his aim was to 'justify the ways of God to men.' Inevitably he fell short and wrote only a monumental poem. Beethoven, whose music was conceived to transcend fate, was a failure. As was Socrates, whose ambition was to make people happy by making them reasonable and just. The surest, noblest way to fail is to set one's standards titanically high.

The flip side of that proposition also seems true. The surest way to succeed is to keep one's striving low. Many people, by external standards, will be 'successes.' They will own homes, eat in better restaurants, dress well and, in some instances, perform socially useful work. Yet fewer people are putting themselves on the line, making as much of their minds and talents as they might. Frequently success is what people settle for when they can't think of something noble enough to be worth failing at." -Laurence Shames

now i'm not in any way comparing myself to Milton or Socrates but the point is there. right now, in this life, i'm doing fine. but i'm striving *real* low. i'm not doing what i love. i'm not where i think i want to be. i need to put myself on the line.

awake

this is not worthy of the first post in many months, but eh...
just humorous or something of note?

Beauty is anything that is difficult to obtain.

True?
I'm not sure, but I'd love to hear your thoughts. This is what I was thinking:
It used to be attractive to be large because it meant that you had enough $$ to eat. Now it is attractive to be thin since the least expensive food (both in terms of money and time expenditure) is sugary/greasy/calorie-laden crap. It's easy to be large now. It is difficult to be thin.
Blue eyes are stereotypically thought as an attractive eye color (although I don't know how true that is anymore) but the blue-eyed gene is recessive, i.e. difficult.
Are there other examples?

i'm not dead, just tired.
i have tons to write about and no energy to do it.
will write more later.

Hillman Curtis rocks my socks. (So does Mark Romanek)

Hillman Curtis does a series of videos he calls "artist documentary series" which he posts on his site. I love these things. I watch them over and over again. He interviews some of the most brilliant designers and artists I've ever seen. And every time I rewatch them, I glean something new from what they're saying. Sometimes you're just 'ready' to hear something. Sometimes certain phrases will just stick with you better.

So I was watching the Mark Romanek one this morning, and, well, I just had to record what he was saying somehow, so I started to type:

"One of the secrets of it is having things not be complete. Or having a certain amount of it being inscrutable or inexplicable or something that makes sense in your subconscious. But I talk all the time that things are "too left brain." Meaning it just is what it is. It doesn't have that enigmatic quality to it. There isn't anything open-ended about it. It can be understood too easily. I find that the phrase "right brain" or "left brain" comes up a lot when I'm working with my crew about making decisions about what we're going to shoot and what goes in front of the camera. It's something to do with leaving the audience with a question. What that does is it engages the audience. It becomes interpretive for them. And as soon as it becomes interpretive, you're engaged. You're not just watching something that's laid out for you. You're being asked questions or posed riddles. If a broken chair has more latent, resonate, potential meaning than an unbroken chair, then break the chair."

"At the end of the day, the only thing that's really important is emotionally engaging the people. And then at a certain point, if you're at all wise, then you go, nothing matters but that. It doesn't matter what I went through to get the shot. It doesn't matter how beautiful the shot is. If you're leaving people cold, it's gotta go."
-Mark Romanek

That's not all of it. You should watch the whole thing here. In fact, you should watch all of Curtis' documentaries here.

GO TIME!

soo... i have to finish 3 credits worth of work in 2 days. haha. tonight i'm designing an entire magazine and tomorrow night i'll be designing an annual report. and in between those two monstrosities i'll be doing some event graphics, a storefront and finishing up a website. oh boy... lots to do, so i think i'll blog for a second. (logic just jumped out my window).

i should be massively panicked, and while i have moments, i'm surprisingly calm, or apathetic, can't be sure. anywho, that's what i'm up to until wednesday. then i've got to layout the anthology for my writing class (not too worried about that) and finish up my resume and promo pieces.

blarg, i know this isn't that interesting to read, it's more of a laundry list for myself more than anything. but, for your enjoyment, here's a little something something that happened while i was trying to come up with ideas for ads/event graphics for my poetry slam thing:

There's been a lack of visuals lately...

the current state of my dining room table. no eating allowed! it's production time! if you look closely you can actually see 5 different types of adhesives in this one photo.



although i've been frantic lately, i still manage to take a few pics every now and again.

(this was taken awhile ago) I asked Meg* to wake me up and she thought it was hilarious when she found me sleeping on my sketchbook. so, she took a photo ;)

I've been so caught up in work lately. I eat, sleep and breath with my dayplanner on one side and my sketchbook on the other. ARgh. I hate that I feel like I'm missing so many other opportunities because I'm consumed with design, but I comfort myself with the fact that it is going to be over soon. I have less than 2 weeks to finish my portfolio now. Today in office hours, Bob looked me in the eyes and asked, "You're getting stuff done, right? You're going to finish right?" I muttered yes, yes but did not look him back in the eyes. I am scared that I won't finish everything. But then again, there hasn't been a semester yet that I haven't been scared that I won't finish everything.

A friend had this quote in their IM profile for awhile and I liked it. I haven't been one for quotes lately, (I was in high school, Andrea knows that...) but this one has sort of been helping me to keep things in perspective:

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Funny stuff

I had this as an away message:

"I've decided this design stuff is a sham so I'm going to drop out of school and become a bare-knuckle boxer"

And I came back to this (see below). Made me laugh so hard, hope it has the same effect on someone else.
(Names are omitted to protect the innocent ;) )


M: you need a NAME, that's the ticket
M: like...Krazy Knuckles KAT
M: Smashin' Sampson
M: .....the Towering Typographer
M: "Serifin' up some PAIN!"
M: haha..okay..."the TOWERING TYPOGRAPHER...I'm gonna go comic SANS on your ass" (someone in the audience : 'ooo, that's ugly')
M: the PENSYLVANIAN
M: ...time to go Dutch-Colonial on your ass
M: haha..."I'm the horse...YOU're the BUGGY....and I'm gonna take you to town BITCH!"

HAHA.... oh boy. Humor is necessary at this point. Humor and coffee. Yes, that's it.