chimney bluffs

Chimney Bluffs State Park on Lake Ontario. Pretty freaking amazing. Lake Ontario would have been amazing in and of itself, even if there weren't giant spires of rock and dirt bursting out of the shoreline. Trying to capture the scale of these spires is impossible. In one of the pictures above, if you squint, you can see little people along the shore. When you're on top of these bluffs, you're unbelievably high up.

Today was a horrible day for pictures though, the light was way too strong and with all those odd ridges it created all this strange (unwanted) shadows everywhere. Whatever. It was fantastic just to be there. Although as sunset approached I got my daily headache. And then the sun, the sound of the water, it was all to much to handle so I had to leave. Ugh. I wish that shit would stop.

It's funny, as I was driving to the bluffs I kept thinking, "this looks familiar." And when I got there I remembered that I have been there before; 3 years ago when Dan, Lindsay, Morgan and I were in the Outing Club for *a* night. I found the beach that they built a bonfire and the rocks that the four of us wandered off to. I sat there and felt nostalgic. Heh, we barely knew each other back then. Look at us now...

My Thoughts on Individuality

Koan for today...

Today was my appointment for my senior portrait. I hate these things with a passion. The contrived positions they make you maintain are almost as contrived as the whole idea. But I went of course because my mom loves things like this. So on my way there I tried desperately to protect myself from the rain; to protect my hair, my make-up blah blah blah so that I looked as nice as she would want me to look. I went, I saw, I was photographed. And I was never happier when I could walk outside bare-headed and let the rain mat down my hair and make my make-up run.

oneida lake

It was a cold gray day today. This is much more like Syracuse weather. Going to Oneida Lake felt like going to the Chesapeake Bay back in the day. I really can't be away from water for long.

quiet night on the porch

tonight all i can think about are my failed attempts at relationships or whatever. mulling over the embarrassment. i'm tired of trying anymore. i'm sure everyone feels this way. which is why nothing ever happens. specifically i'm listening to ___ for the first time (i realize now) since i went to their show in columbia MO randomly (what? well over a year ago?) and tried to talk to ___. well, i talked to him, but he was fairly obviously not interested and each attempt at conversation fizzled. whatever. fuck it. a hundred other versions of that instance since...

haha, and perhaps even more humorous is the fact that i feel guilty publishing this on my blog. heh, that i shouldn't present myself this way... emotional or whatnot. admitting that even intellectual/detatched kat gets worked up over relationships. fuck, i'm 360 with this shit! (that was for meg*) ughghighhgiugh... if it's not work, it's this shit, or missing my friends. when can i just get back to "good"?

Today I traveled east, to the Fenner wind farm. I never knew about it before but it's truly fascinating. I mean, I know what 300 feet is, but you don't *really* understand until you see these 300 feet tall windmills. Also, there's that electric buzzing noise which one naturally associates with energy being used, but you have to stop and remind yourself that this is the sound of energy being *created*. And in a clean, sustainable way! Anywho, I had a good time just trekking around on my own.

I had a lot of thoughts today that weren't masterpieces, just sort of common knowledge. But we never talk about them so you never really *realize* it. For example; we can think faster than we can speak because in our thoughts we aren't limited by language. We're free to think in images, symbols and any other sort of signifier we please. Which was followed by the thought that what we call "personal expression" isn't personal at all because one has to channel it through this filter of language or art medium or whatever. (This is not a new thought and I realize this; a lot of people have dealt with the frustrating limitation of language or art or whatever). And I thought of doing an art piece just mapping the synapses and chemicals throughout my brain because that's the closest anyone can ever get to understanding my thought process.

There are some bands who just "fit" that particular day. As if an element of the day was missing and they're the perfect notch. It's a game I sort of play with myself. I assume that each day has a band or an album or a song that's "meant" for it. So casually, throughout the day, I try to find today's music. Some days I'm successful, in fact today's band was Explosions in the Sky. Heh, they're the perfect band a lot of my days...

I'm 22 now... To say that out loud makes 22 seem young. I am young. I've never felt young. All throughout my life I've felt too old for my age and I comforted myself with the thought that one day I would grow into my mind. Always too serious... I've become much better in the last 2 years. (I don't even know what "better" means in this case, lightened up I guess. Hell, I had petsinuniforms.com as my last entry! I'm not all theory!) But now, at 22 I still don't feel entirely comfortable with being 22. Heh, well one of two things will happen. Someday I will either
1. really grow into my mind and feel comfortable with my age
or
2. realize that one never really feels their age.
Anywho, "feels their age" implies social expectations anyway. Who's to say that a 10-yr old can't be thoughtful? Blarg...

Not a good way to close an entry, but I've got other stuff I should be doing.

www.petsinuniform.com

Brad directed me to this stellar site. You know, I *have* had fantasies of my dog, cat, or other pet in full military regalia. And they can make this fantasy a reality!

this goes out to the ones i love (and miss severely)

i miss you guys so much. tonight on the phone my mom asked me if i'm going to have any themed parties anymore and i just wanted to cry. linds; thanks so much (again) for the pictures you took/scanned. they've been a great source of comfort lately. *mwah* i miss my housies desperately!!!!! come back!!!!!!

notice

It's odd how some days are just 'different' than others; you notice entirely different things one day to another. Today all I could see was poverty... It made me feel so ashamed of the human race, of our american apathy, of my own affluence. I drove to an art store for supplies on my own this afternoon. I wasted all that gas just to haul my own ass to one place and back. I saw people waiting at the bus stops. Clusters of people, mostly African American huddling together because of the cold/wind/misty rain. "I should be riding the bus to this shop. There's no reason for me to be driving except for the luxury of convenience. There's even a bus stop right at the parking lot..." I found two dollar bills floating at the bottom of my bag and so on the drive back home I stopped and got a milkshake (just because). On the way home from that I pulled up to an intersection in a poorer section of town. There was an older black man walking around in the middle of the intersection screaming and holding his hand out to the drivers going by. He was asking for money... I felt so terrible. I "got out of myself" and could suddenly feel his total and utter frustration. Most of the time the homeless are more passive. They try to be as unintrusive as they can while still trying to get some change. But I could feel this man's frustration, being passive didn't get him any change. He was angry! Why couldn't anyone help him out?! All he needed was a buck or two to get some fucking food. And the people just kept driving by. He forced his way into their attention and they still said no. So there I was, impulse milkshake in hand, driving alone in my car because I can't be bothered to take the bus and this man was outside in the rain and no one would help him. What did I do? I drove by of course... I don't know what to think anymore... I feel so ashamed. After that intersection I entered the part of Syracuse by the university and all I saw were white college kids walking around in expensive clothes... I am so unbelievably "lucky" to even be here; to be able to go to college. (There's no luck to it at all, I'm white, I was born to a middle class family. I've had countless opportunities that others haven't)

What Comm Design Has Taught Me...

I feel like I'm an expert at this so I figured I'd share my tips... (sarcasm).

Tips For Making Sure You'll Wake Up When You Only Get To Sleep a Few Hours or Less
1. Sleep in your clothes
B. Sleep with the lights on
^. Drink a glass of water before you go to sleep
57. Sleep on the floor or sleep on top of "stuff" (preferably hard spiky stuff)
#. Sleep with your alarm (in my case my cell phone) next to your head

GARAGHEINEOPP!

ARGH! I CAN RECOGNIZE GOOD DESIGN. I CAN SEE IT WHEN IT HAPPENS. WHY CAN'T I CREATE IT?! WHY IS IT THAT WHEN I SIT DOWN TO FUCKING CREATE ALL THAT COMES OUT OF ME IS MEDIOCRE AND WORTHLESS?!!!!!! fuckin' 'ell i'm so frustrated...

for my linds

i miss my best friend in florida terribly. this is not me nor is it linds, nor is it linds signified (hehe). i guess i was just thinking of her while i doodled. *mwah* i miss you linds.

On Walking...

Whenever I get down I always go for a walk. Sometimes they're really long walks. Sometimes they're at 1 in the morning. Sometimes they're both. Either way I need the walk, and I wonder why.

Theory 1: When I was 16 I was attending PA Governor's School for the Arts. I was down one night for whatever reason and so I left my dorm and just walked around campus. I ended up at a coffeeshop. While sitting by myself I met Skippy. I think his real name was Matthew something, but he was Skippy. He had very little residual effect on the rest my life, but while I was there, he was my friend. The point of the story is not Skippy. The point of the story is that when I was down, I *engaged with the world* by getting up and walking outside and that good things came from that. So I made a sort of vow that whenever I was down, I simply had to get up and go for a walk (or otherwise engage with the world).

Theory 2: I have an obsession with the idea of "leaving". If you know anything about my childhood, it's not difficult to see where I get this from. And going for a walk is pretty much the physical manifestation of walking away from your problems.

Theory 3: Endorphins. It's all pure chemistry. It feels damn good to tire yourself out on a long/difficult walk.

Theory 4: That it has nothing to do with walking at all. That it's entirely to do with *where* I walk to. This is difficult to put into words... I gravitate toward "real" places. I walk to the hospitals, I walk down to Fayette street, I walk to South Salina, I visit the walkways under train tracks and over-passes. I gravitate toward the run-down, hard-times districts. Do I gravitate toward other suffering? Do I do it to remind myself that my problems are nothing? Do I do it to remind myself that the frivolity of college doesn't extend into the rest of the world? Do I do it to remind myself that I have a greater goal to strive for? I don't know.

I realize that of course I go on walks for all those reasons, and some more that I haven't consciously thought about yet. Anywho...